brain

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 03:16:08 GMT

i was sitting outside of albertsons this morning by the wood pile waiting by the entrance for my friend to steal groceries. i watched the employees push carts, old people yelling at the young who drive too fast, looking all the while at the faces of the people going in and out. a small old asain man carrying a little black canvas bag went in the doors and on the way smiled at me. fifteen miniutes pass and im still there when he comes out. he comes up to me and holds out an open box of mentose to me. he doesnt say anything, so i hold out my hands and say 'ok... thank you' he puts a bunch of candy in them and just walks off. my friend came out and it stayed with me for the rest of the day.

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 02:28:27 GMT

some rapist moved to murietta
time could not make me forget
my hate will fuel a rich vendetta
and he will be my target.

when i get depressed i am wreckless
id like to say just fuck it
but then again that would be careless
and my life might go to shit.

i will fly i will dodge i will fall
i will battle through the crowd
i will nail your cold hands to the wall
i will hear you cry out loud.

you are an example of every wrong that i was ever done.
fuck condescending male; too good for me, pity's little woman.

______________________

useless. its going nowhere. tomorrows a better day.

Fri, 25 Nov 2005 20:36:25 GMT

thanksgiving.
couldnt have dinner at home, i was sick,
and waging war with jeff;
dinner was a stale box of cheerios
and some RC cola.
diddnt matter though, i puked my guts up.
needless to say i cried.

today.
i quit rubios as you all might know;
by just not showing up.
but that doesnt mean they need to SCREW me
by losing my paycheck.
so here i am, shit out of money 'till
monday comes and im saved.
life is brutal when youre the lower class.

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 02:21:55 GMT

last night something happened that made me sad and i cant stop thinking about it. i have this friend, right, and he does too much of a drug called x. i like him alot, hes a good person that i trust and gravitate toward, but now he takes this shit all the time without knowing what its doing to his body and brain... but i dont judge him for it. last night after a week of e he had taken too many drugs and began to lean towards me. i saw him out of the corner of my eye as he lost his center of ballance and fell from his seat, crashing to the floor right beside my lap, eyes open, working their way back into his skull, leaving only yellowish cressents screaming the demise of something pure....
and hes not breathing.
i slap his face.
"breathe alex, breathe!"
seconds pass, god, i dread that being close to his head means that i have to give him cpr and im no expert.
i keep shaking his head and talking to him, hiding from the rising hystreia and adreniline in my brain...
then he comes back. his eyes come back, he inhales once. perceverence is a virtue and breath after breath he sat up and came back.
the poor fucker pissed himself and posted up all night in the same spot on the floor of some strangers room with skin that looked like pale yellow wax...
ive seen enough ODs to handle one, but man.... when it happens to somebody i care for, its heart wrenching.

i resent my life sometimes.

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 02:47:10 GMT

when i sleep
i am in a tranquil hybernation of eternity
in a never ending peace.
then:
beep beep beep.
my thoughts break through.
i have work in an hour.
turn it off.
a secondary peace.
it beeps again. work. rent. mony. food.
sleep.
alas i begin to turn,
entering alertness with dragging, scraping heels that bring up clods of earth, cracking concrete while my back arches in a fight with responsibility, apathy, and destiny....
i wake flickering eyeswith eyes, then open, fighting the truth for what feels like hours
-untill-
a power surges on from deep inside, and i am up, moving, grooming...
and then next thing i know im back at rubios wiping the same rag on the same counter as yesterday.

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 08:32:15 GMT

so impressive with its sarcasm, is says so much. amazing.

I've got 54321,
I've got a red pair of high-heels on,
Tumble me over, it doesn't take much,
Tumble me over, tumble me, push.
In my red high-heels I've no control,
The rituals of repression are so old,
You can do what you like, there'll be no reprisal,
I'm yours, yes I'm yours, it's my means of survival.
I've got 54321,
Come on my love, I know you're strong,
Push me hard, make me stagger,
The pain in my back just doesn't matter.
You force-hold me above the ground,
I can't get away, my feet are bound,
So I'm bound to say,
That I'm bound to stay.
Well today I look so good,
Just like I know I should,
My breasts to tempt inside my bra,
My face is painted like a movie star,
I've studied my flaws in your reflection
And put them to rights with savage correction,
I've turned my statuesque perfection
And shone it over in your direction.
So come on darling, make me yours,
Trip me over, show me the floor,
Tease me, tease me, make me stay,
In my red high-heels I can't get away.
I'm trussed and bound like an oven ready bird
But I bleed without dying and won't say a word.
Slice my flesh and I'll ride the scar,
Put me into gear like your lady car,
Drive me fast and crash me crazy,
I'll rise from the wreckage as fresh as a daisy.
These wouds leave furrows as they heal,
I've travelled them, they're red and real,
I know them well, they're part of me,
My birth, my sex, my history,
They grew with me, my closest friend,
My pain's my own, my pain's my end.
Clip my wings so you know where I am.
I can't get lost while you're my man.
Tame me so I know your call,
I've stabbed my heels so I am tall,
I've bound my twisted falling fall,
Beautiful mute against the wall,
Beautifully mutilated as I fall.
Use me don't lose me.
I've got 54321,
I've got a red pair of high-heels on.
Strap my ankles, break my heels,
Make me kneel, make me feel.
Turn, turn, turn, like a clockwork doll,
Put in your key and give me a whirl.
Tease me, tease me, the reason to play,
In my red high-heels I can't get away.
I'll be your bonsai, your beautiful bonsai,
Your black-eye bonsai, erotically rotting.
Will my tiny feet fit your desire?
Warped and tied I walk on fire.
Burn me out, twist my wrists,
I promise not to shout, beat me with your fists.
Squeeze me, squeeze me, make me feel,
In my red high-heels I'm an easy kill.
Tease me, tease me, make me see,
You're the only one, I need to be me.
Thankyou, will you take me?
Thankyou, will you make me?
Thankyou, will you break me?
Use me don't lose me,
Taste me, don't waste me.
Use, lose, taste, waste.

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 06:26:49 GMT

looked at appartments today. i am a rock. i am stoked. i am an iiiiiisland!
name it.
now.
dont hesitate.
.
1) Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2) I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3) I'll pick a flavor/color of jello to wrestle with you in. (Maybe.)
4) I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5) I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6) I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7) I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8) If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written!

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 05:17:54 GMT

anyone know that feeling when youre detoxing from an opiate based drug and your holding in your first crap for days and days?
well, i know it well.
....and in a sick way, im kind of fond of it.
.
DeTox! yAy!!

Tue, 13 Sep 2005 15:25:18 GMT

ged, chicago. what do you think? community collage... sounds pritty good to me. cheaper living too.

Tue, 13 Sep 2005 06:02:37 GMT

im listening to the misfits and its reminding me of ol' PHS. i took some more vikoden for the pain im having and im riding my way up to highness. i miss poway. then things were different and less important. then it wasnt even a thought that id end up a highschool drop out working two jobs trying to make ends meet. fucking a. back then your boyfriend diddnt freak out because you dropped acid and spent the night talking to an old friend; making you block him and forbidding communication. you know who you are if you read this. im sorry man. i really am. fuck. i just wanna be happy. thats why im still moving out; even if they say it is a mistake. so here i am. put my hands up. forget the past, however good it was, however bad it was. but man, danzig's voice makes me awful sad. aweful sad...
fuck.
fuck.
fuck.
:(
:(
tear.

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 22:53:31 GMT

hopefully in a month ill have my own place and be all moved out.

other than that i have a collection of sentences not unlike ginsberg's 'pastel sentences'.

the manson family has come to town in a technicolour hippy school buss, complete with flowers.

nick A ultas wears a fake-sexy smirk on his drivers license. he must have praciced for hours.

i see a napolean dynamite with indian skin.

Sun, 04 Sep 2005 02:10:59 GMT

what a bad fucking 26 hours.
im sorry.

Sun, 28 Aug 2005 18:06:12 GMT

maybe today is the day. i dont feel so alone anymore...

Sun, 28 Aug 2005 03:46:01 GMT

i am so fucking tiered of being walked on by fucking men. i am so tiered of having my heart broken atleast 3 times a week. tonight i felt that old old ache, the one that tells me that if i put a straw to my nose and fly up some powder, then maybe, just maybe- things will get better. some how in that broken thought it makes sense that having everyone tell you that youre a fucking child, an arrogant stupid bitch- will just stop hurting. somehow it tells me that it will be ok in some nonexistant way that people think its ok to forget about me when convienent. or maybe my mind just tells its self; based on old thoughts, that if i sit arround in a dark room with a bottle of jack and obliterate my brain cells -pop! pop! pop!- it will some how be ok.
what a sad picture. i wish there was some way to not feel like dying.
i guess ill just spend the night crying.
oao all you happy FUCKS.

Mon, 22 Aug 2005 05:56:53 GMT

some men are in prison even though they walk the streets at
night
other men who got the lockdown are free as a bird in flight

Mon, 22 Aug 2005 05:49:27 GMT

im quiet about it, but why is letting go so hard? im not the same person as then; but somehow it still matters. somehow it seemed forever. wvatever.

Sun, 21 Aug 2005 06:38:41 GMT

am i the type of girl to be somebody's meal ticket? i feel like im being used... but i dont have an answer.

Sat, 20 Aug 2005 05:41:45 GMT

no woman no cry reminds me of walking in hot rain in a Tshirt and jeans. it kind of makes me sad, longing to be alone again. sometimes its a hassle... but i never said that, no i diddnt.
but ive forgotton the joy of music. responsibility is taking over from the left side of my brain, eating the right side and all of the creativity that goes with it. everythings gonna be alright everythings gonna be alright, murder one in the house tonight... whatever.
so... ive been on this weird kick on smells. i bought a bizillion sticks of insence, co0nes... im currently in the search for some good resins, so tell me if you know. but they make me calm. maybe there really is something behind aroma therepy. instead of being this volitle ball of stress im calm. it just takes 15 miniutes of time with patoulie or lavender, and im chill. go figure.
cess. this is going to be a rotton-karmic trash-entry.
im going to spew.
susanne vega. cobble stone streets, i can wait. marijuana, go figure. hahaha. that new gurillaz song. hahaha.
sometimes it just feels good to write. i dont know what this is... type. i havent had anytime to unwind lately. today i bought jeff a video game. i sat on the floor and read tarot cards while he played it. maybe ill read the great gadsby again. that was a killer book.
whatever. i need a cigarette and no one will give me one, so that means i must theif one. i give my dad cigarettes but he cant give me just one. one fucking grit. cheap fucking shit.
the distillers. cant chill the fuck out. crack attack, bitch fit. violence; grinding teeth.
grinding teeth. tension headaches that kill me.
java is my man. jeff calls him a bitch cat because hes shaved and i treat him like a little person by dressing him up in his tiny sweaters.
im bored.
oao.

Thu, 18 Aug 2005 05:30:20 GMT

croatia. i was looking at house prices there and im liking it. to buy an appartment just outside the walls of dubrovnik is 150,000 euro, and thats like 20 miniutes from the airport too. man does that sounds killer. then theres 16th centeruy houses for 23,000 pounds that i could remodel. i think that if i work hard i could be there either way in a few years. just thinking about it is absolutely wonderful. those ancient bombed stone buildings are the shit... how awesome would that be? im also trying to find what town were from, because we have a house there. my grandpa told me it translates to doric town... but that information left when he died. doric grad? cant find it. oh well, ill keep trying. happy birthday steph.

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 20:07:04 GMT

a man died yesterday, insignificant to you; but to me he was deep down important, he's never coming back. there were things we were supposed to do together that will never happen. he was supposed to see me get clean, face to face. but thats a trash dream. and how dumb i am; i thought he would see me in my wedding dress, learn the names of my kids... how fucking stupid that was. these thoughts, they come in waves, sad, happy, sad... yesterday was a mess. i was feeling only two extremes. i felt feelings i havent sincerely felt in at least a year; feelings i felt in detox, feelings of panic. i felt suicide, i felt like shaving my head. unimportant, insignificant. whatever. maybe today will be better.
my dads in wisconsin and he's coming back with ashes. the emotions he expressed yesterday were so true, so honest they broke my heart without a word being said.
yesterday he forgot about ever quitting smoking... hes so tender.
ill cross my fingers and hope for the best.
i hate change... i hate change so much.

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 19:29:33 GMT

medication puts dopamine into my brain; the dopamine makes me happy. cigaretts put dopamine into my brain; they make me feel good. food puts nutrition into my belly, it makes me function.
i dont have any of these things.
my head is spinning and this stolen nirvana CD is hopelessly scratched. i cant do my school work. i dread the future, what it brings.
will i even get medication, cigarettes, food? which do i need to give up? im not even talking about the near future. its over. all of it.
ive lived in one home for seventeen years and now im going to have to leave. i had this dream of full time college, dorm rooms, cafertrias, sorority... but i guess im not good enough for that... so now i see i get to strugle. its been a strugle through my addolescence and i thought somewhere it would get easier, like maybe once... at least once, id get the upper hand in something. kids get driving classes, they are bought their first car. my parents kept us in a home, but they couldnt keep anything else together. how can i exist in a stable state when i cant sleep because they find one AM an opertune time to argue outside my door?
so now its over. ive got maybe 5 months. i dont want to stay with either of my parents so that means appartment. appartment means work. work means giving up the flattering idea that i might actually one day graduate highschool, even if it is at abraxis where they mail you a diploma and forget you without honor.
it looks like im joining the generation of the GED.

but maybe thats just a morbid thought.

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 05:55:00 GMT

fuck you. fuck me, fuck my parents. fuck my job, fuck life, fuck my boyfriend who doesnt have time for me, fuck moving out, fuck having a full life, fuck my fears, fuck my strengths; my weaknesses. fuck my immage and my circles that are so 'unattractive'. fuck you fuck you fuck you. 5 months is not soon enough. i dont care when my parents are ready to let go, i just care about leaving without the fucking cops getting called. ill tell myself 5 months tonight as i go to bed, but it gets worse every few days. what fucking ever.

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 18:50:35 GMT

i dont feel immediatly depressed. i dont feel sad, or even hopeless. but i know that i am depressed. i dont sleep well enough. i dont relax. i havent changed my clothes in days. there are circles under my eyes that wont rub off. i live off of fast food. i cant remember the last time i ate a friut. i take all my pills on time every day, but it doesnt seem to do me any good. but ill just keep plugging along. waiting. for something.

Fri, 24 Jun 2005 06:57:37 GMT

what good is having money if it doesnt make you happy?
what good is being smart if ou cant chane anything?
what good is being bautiful if he wont call you back?
why eat if you cat taste the food?
why go to bed if you dont care?

i think ill stay up.

the way a voilin can sing is worth the rain and all the crappy music in the world.

happieness is a warm gun yes it is...

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 05:34:45 GMT

as i enter my room java sits on my bed waitig for me to return, staring at me. a fuzzy ball of cooing joy. hes the most affectionate cat ever. he really is.
but im getting sick. crap is coming out of my nose, i sneeze, my throat hurts, i am nasious.
not good.
i have this englsh class i never finished and its all because of this auto biographical essay i needed to write. i started one about drug use but the mere beginnning was 5 pages when the entire requirement was 3... and i also got boered with it. so. my homeroom teacher is pushing me to do it and i was thinking of things that have impacted my life. then i found it. a deep secret, something painful. i diddnt think i was going to write it but i put my pen to paper and thats whats been coming out. its theraputic really since its something i cant really recognise and i dont know how i feel about it. but what ive written so far is jumbled and confused. thats how i feel about it. but soon ill take it and organise it into solid thoughts and ill turn it into my english teacher. shes in her 1st year and i know shell feel so awkward shell only be able to give me an a. but what confuses me is that im going to be handing her something so close to me that i cant even tell my therapist. courtney. someone so naieve and tender. maybe thats it. maybe im jelous; so i give her my nasty experiences bit by bit through my writing.
i dont know.
i just dont know.